God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
