I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I accidentally had phone sex last night
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Randomize
