I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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