please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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