My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
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