I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
