I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
