I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
