I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
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