I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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