woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
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