Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
