I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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