there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
