my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Did I show you my penis last night?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
