It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
