I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
