theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
