Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
