My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Mom said you looked used
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
