watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
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