I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Randomize
