I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
