Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I think im going to throw up on grandma
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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