my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize