I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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