You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
