Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
