if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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