It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Someone signed my nipple.
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