Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
