Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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