I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
