$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Found the puke drawer
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
