you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
