Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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