The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
