apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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