I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize