IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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