: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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