Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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