what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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