I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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