I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
