I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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