i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize