dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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