Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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