if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
