I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
