The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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